By Raymond Bechard
I was talking to a guy installing carpet in a friend’s home the other day. For some reason, he asked my advice on whether or not he should have a surprise birthday party for his girlfriend. “She’s hitting the big 4-0, so I don’t know if she wants to celebrate it or ignore it,” he said. That made sense, some people would rather not draw attention to birthdays ending in zeros. So I asked him a simple question, “Is she a positive person? You know, does she usually look on the bright side of things?”
His face immediately lit up as he reached for his phone. “Take a look at her face and you’ll know.” He held up the phone with the beaming photo of his girlfriend, who looked no more than 27, tops. As he showed me her picture, he said the five best words I have ever heard to describe a relationship that is working – at least from a man’s perspective, “She makes every day better.”
It doesn’t get any simpler than that. I’ve heard men talk about relationships and girlfriends, what they like and don’t like, what they want and don’t want, what drives them nuts, and even what hurts them. But, I’ve never heard it put better than those five words.
“She makes every day better.” In all honesty, that is what every man wants. If he is fortunate enough to find a lady who understands that concept and loves him enough to stand by him – as he does with her – to make every day better, then he should move heaven and earth to spend the rest of his life with her and prove himself worthy.
It’s too bad though. That kind of love doesn’t seem to be in vogue these days. Today, relationships seem to have evolved into some kind of adversarial competition where every action or inaction is tallied in an unending scorecard leading to the eventual defeat – or death – of the relationship itself. It’s no longer fashionable to look at romantic relationships as something precious, a beautiful organism that must be cherished if it is to thrive – or even survive – long term.
It’s futile to fight this powerful trend. So ladies, in order to stay current here are some guaranteed tips for losing a guy forever. By the way, these can be used by men as well, but that’s another article for another day.
#1 – Don’t learn what emotional intimacy is.
Forget what psychologist Malini Shah says, “Emotional intimacy is a feeling of close personal association and belonging. It’s a familiar connect formed through shared knowledge of each other and experience.” That would mean taking the time to find a man with whom you can build trust and be yourself. Worst of all it would mean not just accepting him for who he is, but celebrating who he is.
#2 – Don’t respect him.
Even if he deserves your respect, do not, under any circumstances show him the kind of respect you want and need. Don’t value him. Don’t listen. Don’t consider his priorities or concerns. Make sure he feels your life would be much better if he weren’t in it. On the other hand, if he truly doesn’t deserve your respect, leave him. Leave him now. And if he doesn’t respect you then he doesn’t deserve yours. Again, leave.
#3 – Don’t like him.
Sure, you love him, but do you like him? Never forget he’s probably closer to you than anyone else in his life so it’s your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get out of line. If you want to make sure he’s unhappy and dwindling away inside, show him you don’t like him.
#4 – Complain about him.
Believe it or not (and lots of men will get mad at me for revealing this to you) most of us look to the women in our lives, or the woman closest to us, to determine how we feel about ourselves. Make sure he knows you are keeping score against him by openly expecting him to screw up. Tell all your friends what a loser he is and never, ever genuinely praise him.
#5 – Judge him.
If you want him to stop being open and honest, or if you just want him to start hiding things from you, make sure you judge him negatively every chance you get. If you can’t find anything negative that is even remotely valid, just make something up. Do anything to keep him on the defensive. Remember, every day brings new opportunities to find new faults in him.
#6 – Don’t trust him.
He’s a guy – don’t trust him – no matter how trustworthy, honest, reliable or loyal he actually proves himself to be. Of course, if he truly can’t or shouldn’t be trusted, leave the jerk. No excuses. You will never have emotional intimacy if there is no chance of mutual trust.
#7 – Blame him.
If you’re divorced, blame him. If your last boyfriend treated you badly, blame him. If you’re children aren’t behaving, blame him. Take all your anger, frustration, fears and insecurities and place them squarely on the doorstep of his life. Whatever negative feelings or experiences you are having, he should be punished for it.
#8 – Stay angry.
He’s a guy. He must have done something wrong. Even if you don’t know what it is, it still pisses you off. You don’t need to know exactly when or what he did whatever it is, he definitely did it. Save time and get angry now. Then, stay angry . . . because there’s no end to the ways he’s messed up with . . . something.
#9 – Don’t be reliable.
Make sure he knows that you are not there for him no matter how badly he may need you. That way he will know never to rely on you for anything. If you are the one person he wants to call when something really bad, or really good, happens don’t be available or interested.
#10 – Don’t get help.
You’ve been through a lot, a lot of pain, a lot that isn’t fair, a lot of horrible stuff that has wounded you. Sometimes you feel broken. Whatever you do, don’t try to effectively heal your wounds in any way. Don’t go to therapy. Don’t apply what you’ve learned in self-help books. Don’t explore faith our spirituality. Don’t ever look back at the injustices done to you or the wrong choices you’ve made and deal with them. Do whatever you can to simply mask the pain or push it down.
#11 – Don’t take responsibility.
Never apologize. Never ever admit that something you have done may have hurt him. Just live as though you are incapable of hurting him, no matter how badly you do. Don’t forget, this relationship is about you and healing your pain. His is irrelevant.
#12 – Don’t take him seriously.
You are the only one who has a right to emotions, troubles, challenges, and heartache. If he exhibits any of these it just means he is weak. You don’t have time to deal with your problems and his. He’s there for you, after all. Not the other way around.
#13 – Don’t support him.
Leave him alone, isolated, and adrift. He’s a man and should be able to handle whatever comes his way by himself. You don’t have time for a man who needs your help. If he needs support, an ally, an advocate, or you as a true friend – maybe even his best friend – then he’s not worth it.
#14 – Don’t forgive him.
Okay, he will eventually screw up for real. We all do. When he does make a mistake use it to validate all the terrible things you’ve been thinking and saying about him. Forgiving him will only teach him that he can just get away with it again. Instead, identify him by his mistakes. And being constantly told what a terrible man he is will certainly make him a better one.
#15 – Don’t learn anything.
After the relationship ends – and if you follow these guidelines, it will – don’t take away anything from it. Simply lay the blame openly on him and move forward into your next relationship by doing exactly the same thing.
However, if you are not someone who follows the latest trends then just do the opposite of all this. Find a man who wants to make your every day better and do the same for him.