Finding the one and what it looks like to you.
Sometimes you have to learn how to let go of that bad relationship.
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I’m just going to go ahead and call out all you men out there. Yes, even you there, stud muffin, with your sweat-drenched, muscle-pumping, 5 o’clock shadow self. You, much like women, are either currently heartbroken or have been heartbroken by some audacious woman whom you thought was “the one.”
You can act tough, but I know that deep down, you are as soft as a teddy bear. Chances are, you have gone through the coulda, shoulda, woulda list. Sadly, you’ve been left with unanswered and empty questions.
Meanwhile, you are wondering how in the eff you’re going to get over this not-so-clever broad and if you’ll ever be able to move on.
So, in an attempt to help, here is an open letter to all those tough-on-the-outside, but soft-souled men: You’re going to be alright.
I realize that at this current moment in time, you are hurting. You are examining every inch of your life and asking yourself how this happened and why.
While I don’t have the answers for you, and I probably never will, I can tell you that someone out there is waiting to love you with all her heart. She is wondering what it would be like to love someone as special as you, and to know what it feels like to be with someone she truly connects with.
I know you don’t see it now, and it will take some time, but this is for the better. It’s a growing point in your life; some things aren’t meant to last forever and they fall apart so better things can fall together.
I can tell you that whoever broke your heart didn’t realize how good she had it. Truth be told, she didn’t deserve to have you in the first place.
This person has conditioned you to work on yourself, and to help you become an even better man than you already are. You will be someone else’s dream come true. There’s someone in this world who looks at you and her heart beams. She smiles without even knowing it.
You are always on her mind, and you’re the first thing she thinks of when she wakes up. She ask herself how she went this long without knowing someone as awesome as you. That’s something to look forward to during this process.
When you’ve been damaged, the last thing on your mind is someone new. You grasp onto old memories, and just keeping asking, why? What did you do so wrong? Were you not enough? Did you not give enough attention? Did you not love her hard enough? Is there something wrong with you?
I only ask two simple things of you: Stop asking why and please don’t blame yourself. Insecurities can truly ruin any relationship, and nine times out of 10, it has nothing to do with you.
It hurts as if your heart has been stabbed with a million burning knives. You’re probably thinking you can’t move on from this, but I am here to tell you that you can and you will. Whether it’s centerstage or behind the curtain, someone cares and will be there for whatever you need.
You probably barely know or might not even know the person who is smiling at the thought of you right now.
When the timing is right, and the stars align in the night sky, it will all work out. Healing is a process, and it takes however long your heart needs.
Wake up each day thinking, “I can and will get through this,” and I promise that you will. Keep your beautiful face held high, smile and know that your future is waiting for you.
Take each day in stride, and whatever you do, please don’t shut down. You will close yourself off to a love that is waiting for you. Whether you see it or not, you are an incredible individual with so much potential to make someone happier than she ever imagined possible.
We have all been broken before, and it’s up to us to rebuild and move forward. It’s not the end; just think of how much better your next relationship will be. Forgive her, forgive yourself, make new friends, build bonds with new people and remember to smile.
To the woman who destroyed your amazing heart, thank you. Thank you for letting this incredible man go, and giving someone else the opportunity to love and cherish him the way he deserves. Thank you for quitting and allowing someone new to heal and mend his heart.
True love doesn’t quit, and you closed the door. No judgment, just a huge thank you. You are helping someone else’s future of pure bliss and happiness come to fruition.
Keep your head up, handsome. She is out there and waiting patiently for when the time is right.
Sincerely, Your Friend
Originally appeared at Elite Daily
Marriage really is a beautiful thing. I used to think it was a bit pointless, just a piece of paper that allows you an extra tax cut. However, the more I thought about it, the more I learned to appreciate what marriage could be.
Marriage gets a bad rap because most people are really bad at it. It’s not marriage’s fault. It’s the couples’ fault for being neither mature enough nor smart enough to manage.
I used to believe people couldn’t possibly promise to love someone else in 10, 20 years when neither their partners nor they will be the same people they are now. But that’s the point. We know that the future is filled with uncertainty.
Regardless, we still want that promise because it gives us courage to give ourselves to another without reservations.
You may not be able to keep that promise, but you can keep the promise to do your best to be an amazing life partner. That’s all anyone can really ask for. If you’re thinking about tying the knot then be sure that your future life partner to-be can honestly answer these questions to your liking:
1. Why do you love me?
People seem to feel this is a question that doesn’t especially need answering. Most will say we love others simply because we love them — a horrible answer. All people need to know exactly why it is that they love the people they love.
Loving someone is a very selfish act, and it’s okay. You love the person you love for what that person does for you and how he or she makes you feel.
We may all have slightly different answers as to why we love someone, but if we aren’t able to exactly define the parameters of our love, then we’re likely to struggle later on once the initial intensity dies down. If your partner can’t answer why he or she loves you now, then imagine the inevitable uncertainty down the road.
2. Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?
“Because I love you” is not a good answer. Life is a journey — one that is best not traveled entirely alone. However, not everyone has the same destination in mind. Wanting to take different pit stops along the route is one thing. Wanting different things out of life is another entirely.
Your partner should be able to tell you what life experiences he or she hopes to share with you. It’s these little goals you set for yourselves that make your life special.
3. Will you do your best to keep the romance alive?
Keeping the romance alive is not an easy task. Yes, it’s all mental, but keeping interest for such a long time is difficult. It takes a lot of work and creativity. It takes the other person regularly trying to please and impress you, which in itself becomes increasingly difficult with each new year.
Romantic love cannot survive on its own; both of you are going to have to maintain it constantly. Is your partner willing to keep the romance as one of his or her main priorities?
4. Will you grow with me, and not away from me?
We may not know exactly where our lives will take us and what we will learn — who we will become — along the way, but we can make a conscious effort to grow closer together and not apart.
Most people grow apart over the years because they feel like they’ve accomplished everything in their relationships that needs accomplishing.
This is one main reason marriages end up being so horrible — people think that there is no greater peak to climb than the one their relationship is already resting on. Marriage shouldn’t be the end, it should be the beginning.
5. Will you stick through the rough times?
The good times are a piece of cake. The difficult times, however, will destroy your relationship if you allow them to. There comes a point in every relationship when you have to make a decision. It’s a decision that, if made, is only made once. You will reach a point where you will either decide you are going to be there for this person for the rest of his or her life, or not.
If you decide you’re going to stick with this person then you can’t allow any tragedy or outside force to shake that decision. This is one of the most important decisions we make in our lives — or, as it often turns out, fail to make decisively. Has your lover made the decision? Have you?
6. Are you willing to lose some battles in order to keep the peace?
The key to a successful marriage is taming your ego. No matter how competitive we are, sometimes you just need to pick your battles. Sometimes the arguments and the stress just aren’t worth it.
What you need to understand is that 99 percent of arguments aren’t arguments over fact, but rather over opinion. An opinion is neither right nor wrong. Sometimes you just have to let things be.
7. Can you promise to put us ahead of everything else?
Life has a lot to offer. And if you’re anything like me, you have a very large appetite. We want everything life has to offer, and then some. The problem is we don’t have enough time to have it all; our lives are too short. We can only pick a few things we consider important and do our best to flourish in those areas.
The beauty of marriage is that it can be used as a base to build the rest of your life on. Your partner should be just that: your partner. Your relationship is the most important thing in your life because it’s what makes the rest of your life possible.
8. Will you be a great parent?
Again, how could anyone know he or she will be a great parent? Easy. You just decide you’re going to be. That’s it. No tricks. No gimmicks. Just a decision and then action.
Some things don’t need too much thinking involved. You’re going to be great because you decided you will be. Will your lover do the same and be a great role model for your children?
9. Will you be sure to remind me how much you love me regularly?
People not only want, but need to hear it. We need to be reminded you love us because we know that love doesn’t always last forever. We want to hear the words and then have that reassurement reinforced with actions showing how much you love us.
It really is enough just to love us, but understand you need to love us the way we need to be loved — just like we need to love you the way you need to be loved in order for you to be happy.
10. Can you promise to do all you can to keep that spark alive?
Sparks don’t spark on their own. Think about how a lighter works. You have a spark that lights the fuel, which creates a flame. But how does that spark, spark? You have to create a force that will result in the energy creating a spark.
Just the same, you can’t expect sparks to keep flying if you’re not trying. If you want to have a happy and healthy marriage, then you need to find someone willing to devote the necessary energy.
11. Will you support me if I can’t support myself?
Not just financially, but mentally. Maybe even physically if necessary. No one knows what life holds. The unexpected happens, often leaving us weak, hurt or even permanently damaged. Will your partner carry you when you can’t walk?
Will your partner support you when you’re weak at the knees? Will your partner carry the family you’ve created until you regain your strength? Is your partner capable of mustering the strength to fight battles for the both of you?
12. Will you promise to continue to pursue your personal goals and dreams?
Marriage is not entirely the end of the person you were and the start of a new you. Sure, being in a serious relationship does require a person to change in many ways.
Yet, there’s a part of us we can never, under any circumstance, let go of. The dreams, wants and hopes we have — our personal goals — must stay alive.
When we lose them, we lose ourselves and inevitably lose the person we love. Marriage isn’t just an “us.” It’s also a you and him/her. You have to juggle being the person you have always been with being a part of a larger whole. It’s not easy. But it is necessary.
13. Will you not allow yourself to let go?
Will your partner take care of him or herself by eating healthy and exercising? Will your partner get regular checkups and take vitamins? This may sound silly, but I’ve seen what letting yourself go can do to a marriage.
Moreover, I’ve seen how not maintaining your health can make the lives of those closest to you incredibly difficult.
Yes, your family should take care of you when you need to be taken care of — but it’s your responsibility first and foremost to take care of yourself. No people should become a burden to those they love.
14. If I’m the first to go, will you be there with me until the end?
Will your partner hold your hand when you’re too weak to hold it back? Will your partner kiss your forehead and tell you he or she loves you, that you made life worth living? That, because of you, life made sense? Will your partner be there for your last breath, when you find yourself pressed betwixt fear and content?
No one should leave this world alone. It’s said that we leave it the way we come into it, but even when we come into it, there’s someone there to hold us. I understand most people don’t like to think about death, but seeing as it’s an inevitability, it’s better to plan ahead.
15. Can you promise me that if my time is cut short, you’ll continue to live on for the both of us?
You love this person. You want him or her to be happy regardless of whether he or she is with you or without you. If death collects you ahead of schedule, you’ll want to know during those last few seconds that the person you love will continue to live life to the fullest.
That your partner will continue to do great things, continue to be happy, and — if you have children — continue to love your children and guide them through life.
The death of a loved one can ruin you. It can break you in ways that make full-recovery impossible. Can your partner promise you to find the strength and courage to press forward?
I don’t know about you, but the last thing I’d want for the woman I love is for my departure to be her downfall. If my being in her life or leaving her life will in anyway destroy hers, then I clearly made a mistake by allowing myself into her life.
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This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
by Paul Hudson
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/kt-15-honest-questions-the-person-you-marry-should-be-able-to-answer/#sthash.ltAcYP8o.dpuf
This is the only type of partner we ought to ever settle down with as it is the only type of relationship that has hope for a better future built into its genetics.
There are different types of women in the world… just as there are different types of people. Types, of course, being a generalized version of an individual — no one ever fits their parameters entirely.
Types are oversimplified and people are very complex. Nevertheless, it’s generalizations that allow us to understand things and concepts that we otherwise wouldn’t be capable of understanding.
Take, for example, finding your ideal woman — your ideal partner in life. We are all looking for a certain type — our type. Everyone has a type. Some like them taller, others shorter.
Some like simple women, others like accomplished and driven women. As far as types go, people get very creative — and often even weird. But our type is our type, and we want what we want.
What I’m going to tell you is that you can have your “type” as long as it incorporates what I believe to be the only “type” of any value.
Over the past decade or so, I’ve done my fair share of “dating.” I’ve met with a good amount of women; I’ve had conversations with a good amount of women. I’ve taken them for dinners and drinks, and trips, etc.
Even after flying to different countries for women — if I find something that intrigues me, I’m very persistent — I realized that women can, when looking as generally as possible, be placed into two categories. The first, women who suck the drive for life — and everything else of any value — right out of you.
And, more importantly, the second, women who not only make you want a better life, but make you believe that a better life is actually possible.
Every single woman in the world falls into one of these two categories — no exceptions. However, a woman who falls into a certain category for one individual can fall into the other for someone else — our types are personal after all.
Although there may not be a woman who would fall into the better of the categories for every man in the world, there certainly are women who always fall into the blood-sucking category. Just some food for thought.
You’re going to come across many different women in your life and many of them are going to be horrible human beings. It’s sad, but there are many horrible people in this world — men and women alike.
Many of them will be very nice and interesting, of course. And if you’re lucky, a good amount of them will be amazing. Yet, meeting more than one who will make you both strive for that ideal life and make you believe it to be possible is — I wish it were otherwise — highly unlikely.
It should come as no surprise that finding someone who fits your life so perfectly, so perfectly that you start to believe and hunger for that which you used to think impossible, is usually only a once in a lifetime occurrence.
Sure, you may get lucky and find two such women within a single lifetime, but considering that finding one is already statistically against your favor, I very much doubt you’ll come across a second.
This type of woman is incredibly hard to come by because she is not only a woman you fall in love with and love for the right reasons, she also has to be a woman worthy of being loved — and the only type of woman worthy of being loved by a man is the type of woman that makes that man want to be the best possible man he could ever be.
She inspires him to be better, to work both harder and smarter, to be fair, kind and passionate. She inspires him to be the best possible human being he could ever be because he believes that she deserves nothing less.
Such a relationship is the perfect relationship as it creates a self-perpetuating synergy. Just as the woman inspires her man, her man inspires her to be better, do better, live better.
This is the only type of partner we ought to ever settle down with as it is the only type of relationship that has hope for a better future built into its genetics.
Relationships are hard. Life is hard. Sometimes, getting up and doing that which we need to do, is hard. Nothing in life worth a dime is easy — ever. You’re going to get into fights and arguments.
Life is going to throw you curveballs and test your love for each other. Sh*t is going to happen and it is going to not just happen to you or her; it’s going to happen to the two of you.
You have to understand that just as you’ll share your lover’s joys and happiness, you’re also going to share her pains and suffering. What having the right type of woman by your side will give you is the hope that you can fix whatever issues are at hand.
Why? Because the two of you have no problem working towards a shared goal. You’re a team. You managed to shape your lives thus far and believe in each other enough to keep pushing ahead nonetheless.
You have a life partner who won’t give up on you and — most importantly — you have a partner that you will sooner die for than give up on.
Don’t waste time chasing after women who fall short of this category; time is a luxury you don’t want to be frugal with.
There is only one type of woman in this world who is worth chasing and that’s a woman who makes you believe you’re capable of making your own dreams come true.
by Paul Hudson
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
A young writer, philosopher, and entrepreneur, Paul Hudson (@MrPaulHudson) has been writing for Elite Daily nearly since the start. He primarily addresses the successes and downfalls of love and life.
Women – you can’t live with them; you can’t live without them. Although a catchy aphorism, it’s rather useless. If you can’t live with a woman or without her, then you’re basically screwed. Fortunately, it is most definitely possible to form a bond with a lover strong enough to last a lifetime. The real trick is understanding whether or not the woman is – for lack of a better phrase – a keeper. While each man will be attracted to a different sort of woman, there are a couple of signs that you should pay especially close attention to. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe a man should only get married once. Here are a couple of ways of knowing that the woman you’ve found may very well be the last woman you’ll ever need: You trust her. Although a given, trust is a crucial aspect of any relationship. What’s most important to keep in mind is how fragile the trust between two individuals is – especially between two individuals who are intimately involved with each other. When one person breaks the other’s trust, it causes pain. The more someone trusts the person – the more he or she cares – and the more it will hurt once that trust is broken. Such pain leaves gaping scars that can take eternity to heal. If you found a woman whom you trust entirely and, more importantly, a woman with whom you can’t imagine breaking that trust, then you may have found the one.
She’s a positive force in your life rather than a negative influence.
This is something that I am nearly embarrassed to say took me a long time to comprehend. Truth be told, I only came to understand it recently. When you’re in love, it can be difficult to understand exactly how an individual impacts your life.
Because love is as blinding and distracting as it is, realizing the negative impact a person has on you can be almost impossible.
There are people in your life who will support you, criticize you constructively, and help you learn. Then there are those who will point out flaws with such a negative tone that it’s perfectly evident that their only wish is to hurt you.
If your woman is the latter, then break away as soon as you can; the relationship will only bring you pain and misery.
She believes in you, motivating you to believe in yourself.
Let’s say that we are lucky enough to live to 80. That’s roughly 29,000 days… 29,000 days that you should get up and push ahead in life with full force. Finding a way to motivate yourself day in and day out can be a daunting task – if not impossible altogether.
However, finding the right woman to help motivate you can make the difference between the realization of your dreams and continuous failure. The ideal woman is a woman who motivates you both actively and passively to be, and to do, better.
One of the greatest gifts a woman can bestow upon a man is a reason to be a better man.
Your life is much better with her than it is without her.
Emotions aside, the woman you ought to marry is the woman who adds to your life and doesn’t simply take away from it. Again, this can be a difficult differentiation to make, but it is one of dire importance.
Your emotions can lead you to believe that you need a woman that, in reality, you would be better without. You need to take a step back and decide whether your life is better or worse with her as a part of it.
She never makes excuses when you need her.
Dependability, although often incorporated with trust, is a beast of its own.
Is your woman the kind of woman whom you can depend on? Will she be there for you not only when you are at your best, but likewise when you’re at your worst?
Will she stay by your side or will her love waver the minute the waters turn rough? Some women are more interested in what you can do for them than what you mean to them.
The sex is really, really good.
There is a certain level of physical chemistry that I believe necessary for a marriage to work. This is one reason I could never understand remaining celibate until after the wedding day – if the sex is really bad then you’re going to have a difficult time being happy within the partnership.
Some people say that they don’t care much for sex… I’d say that this is because they’ve never had mind-blowing sex before. Although you may be able to get away with ignorance as bliss, why settle for less?
You both want the same things in life.
This is yet another crucial aspect of relationships that many overlook until it’s too late. It’s easy to love a woman when you don’t fully understand her – and to understand her, you have to understand exactly what it is that she wants out of life.
What does she want to do? Experience? Accomplish? What are her goals? Her dreams? Her wants? Her passions?
Too often we don’t realize that, although theoretically we may be compatible as individuals, our ideal lifestyles aren’t compatible. It’s difficult to spend your life with someone when the paths you need to take separate.
You love each other deeply. Before you go ahead and say, “Yes, of course we do!,” make sure that you understand what loving deeply means. To love deeply is to love twofold – it’s to love romantically and to love in the form of agape. To truly love each other is to love not only who the person is as an individual, but also to love what that person means to you. You have to love the person for who that person is as well as what that person does for you. The common definition of love, to love unconditionally, is wrong. We all love conditionally whether we like to admit it or not. The deepest love is a love that can combine both unconditional and conditional love to form a bond that cannot be broken by outside force – a mutual love that can last the test of time.
Originally appeared at Elite Daily –
I listen to Steven A. Smith comments today and I am not sure what the up roar is all about. I did not find anything that he said terrible. He actually spoke the truth. He said, “No man should ever hit a woman, but a woman should do everything that she can do not to provoke him.” I have written about this before. A woman should never hit a man, I mean ever. I do not care what the circumstances are. Just because you are a smaller person and you hit a man it does not suggest that a man will not hit you back. There is no need for anyone to hit anyone.
As much as we teach boys growing up you do not hit a woman, we have to start teaching our girls the same thing. You should not hit a man unless he hits you or you feel your life is in danger. I have been slapped and scratched by a woman and I am here to tell you it does not feel good at all. It will almost make you forget that she is a woman for a split second. Now I have never hit a young lady but if I was that guy, it could have been a real problem.
We have become so sensitive to the truth that it is sad. When I read the headlines and seen everything trending title “Stephen A. Smith Rant” I thought I was really about to hear something terrible. I stand behind what he said. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Some women need to take responsibility for their actions as well. Let’s be clear there are men that hit women because they are animals.
There are too many videos out there where a woman is hitting a man spitting on him and he gets fed up and hits her. I think he is talking about those situations. Please let’s all practice not hitting the opposite sex. Nothing good comes out of it!
Adrian “GC Smooth” Taylor
I have a hard time dealing with what society tells us is the correct way to deal women or contradicts what I was taught about dealing with women. I have been taught to treat a lady as such, a lady; she is beautiful and delicate like a flower and you should respect her. There are certain things that you do for a lady, as a man: open doors, compliment her dress, hold her hand, and consider her feelings because, as a man, your feelings are not as sensitive.
Now society contradicts everything that I have been learning my entire life. Society says a man and woman can do the same thing, and I am supposed to look at my lady as an equal in that capacity. I’m sorry, we are not the same. I am not shaking your hand like you are a man. I am not going to talk to you like I talk to a man. I am not going to fight you like a man. So I will never look at a lady like a man.
The thing that kills me is that I try to do like society says and treat women like I would treat a man.. However, this is very confusing to me because when we have a situation or disagreement, now I have to handle that situation as a man and consider your feelings and possible reactions as a woman? I do not get it, you want to be like me but now you want to be a woman when it benefits you and I should know better and do better, which one is it? If you want equal opportunity in the relationship that means you wants it at all times and not when you feel it benefits you. The only thing that I can do personally is be what I was taught. I feel that I cannot go wrong in that situation. I will always treat a woman like she is a woman. Unless you are signing my checks or doing business with me, I will treat you like a woman. I cannot treat you like society says I should. If you want to be treated like a Queen then you have to let me look at you like that. Trust me I will be the King in all situations.
To all my fellas, I was taught that your lady is a reflection of you. If want your relationship to go a certain way, you have to lead it into that direction. If she does not follow you, then she is not the one for you.
Remember to Keep It GC,
Adrian “GC Smooth” Taylor
I was having a serious conversation with a friend about life’s struggles, relationships, and family. She then revealed to me that a couple of years ago she reached her lowest point in life and wanted to commit suicide. I will be honest, when she told me, I was not shocked. I thought she was going to tell me she had been raped or stabbed a guy; just something tragic. In somewhat of a jerk way I simply said, “That’s it? I thought you were about to tell me something crazy. “
Yeah, you did not read that wrong. That is exactly what happened! I told her I wanted to kill myself twice in my teen years. So, I really did not see the big deal about her lowest point. Then I thought about it and I had to really look at myself and say man, how can my mind be so twisted to think that someone committing suicide is not a big deal? Or, could it be that I actually feel like everyone, at some point in time, has thought about killing themselves. I really do not care how strong you are, the thought has popped into your mind of how would the world be without you living in it anymore.
Suicide is a serious matter; more and more people are taking their lives everyday. In my teen years, I did not feel loved. It is funny how people just do not know the mentality of the people that they are around. You try to be this person in the public eye. People think that you are living the good life, when they have no clue that you are struggling everyday with daily life.
So my friend, please excuse my insensitivity when you told me. I do not know your story and I was not there when you were going through your problems. In fact, as a friend I need to be more understanding and uplift you. We should never down play each other’s problems, because everyone is not built the same way. So the next time you look at your life and compare someone else’s struggles to yours stop, because they are not you!
Remember to Keep it GC,
Adrian”GC Smooth” Taylor