As a child I had mix emotions about our relationship. I loved you so much. I think I wanted to be around you more than I wanted to be around my mother. I just wanted to be in your presence. I wanted you to spend time with me. I know you loved and still love me but your actions were never consistent for me. You would make promises that you did not keep and I could never depend on you to be there for me. The crazy thing about it, was that you were in my life. I saw you all the time. I just was not a priority. I do not know if it was because you got married young, lost your mother and father at an early age or what, but the fact of the matter was you did not know or want to be a parent at the time. You were consistently spending time with your friends instead of your family. You put everyone over us. You were a better father figure for your brothers and sister than you ever were to me. They were grown. I needed you in my life; we needed you in our life. I just could not understand. If I had a child I would want to be in their life all the time. My life would forever be different. I have a little me that I need to guide and teach how to be a successful contributor to society one day.
Over and over you dropped the ball. Telling me you were going to pick me up and take me to my games. No call, No show! I wondered if it was me or if it was something that I done. No matter how wrong you did us my mother never had a bad word to say about you. When I had bad words for you I think I called you everything but a child of God. I was a lost little boy wanting and needing his father to say I love you son, I got you back son.
This has affected me in my life in so many different ways. Now that I am a man and our relationship is better, there is still that thing that inside of me that will not just let us get as close as we probably both would like. I think all I ever wanted was an apology or an acknowledgement that you know you did me wrong. I know that will probably never happen and I am at peace with that.
God does not make mistakes and he put the best person in my life to be my father because he knew what I needed to fuel my passion in life. Just to let you know you gave it to me without giving it to me. All my life I wanted to be everything that you weren’t. It drove me to be a better man. I strive not to have the same bad habits you had.
The point I am at in my life. I do not need you which stopped our relationship from growing. I tell you today, I forgive you and I am not going to hold on to the past. So I will let God take our relationship where ever it is suppose to be in the future. We are in a better place but it could be better. I want to think about you and just pick up the phone and call you. I will start with baby steps.